For the past few months, I’ve been feeling uneasy.  I’ve been trying to establish myself as an individual, and found myself fighting against the natural flow of motherhood… which isn’t really a flow, but more like an unpredictable onslaught of ahem…challenges*.  Just when I think I can put Amelia down for awhile to play while I sew, Maddy finds the glitter glue, Amelia wants it, much screaming ensues, and instead I find myself in the middle of paper and glue and little girls and the sewing machine sits, mid-stitch, with half a line of sewing done on a long neglected project, to be neglected for yet another week.

Even just now I was interrupted in the middle of typing this post by the blood-curdling shrieks of Amelia, who wanted Maddy’s new camera, and Maddy, who was asking me repeatedly if I would get her camera working so that she could take a picture of Amelia.  It takes batteries. and needs a screwdriver to open it.  The very thought of tracking down both a screwdriver and batteries, and inserting the batteries while two children try to acquire the batteries and screwdriver for themselves… just makes me want to take a nap.

But removing myself from the situation isn’t the answer.  I fantasize about being able to afford childcare so I can be free to clean the house and not be followed by a tornado of entropy.  Maybe actually finish folding the mountain of laundry that is always changing in size but never quite disappears.  Mop the kitchen floor so I don’t have to lock the children out for fear of them licking some unknown substance that accumulated beneath the cupboards.  Finally get all the crap we don’t need out of here so I can better organize and keep certain things out of reach and other things within reach.

I know, and I tell myself, and I ignore myself, that if I just pick one small thing to accomplish each day, that with my 365 days a year home, I could get a whole lot done over time.  But that’s boring.  And about 200 of those days would involve cleaning off the dining room table.

I recently went to see a life coach, and it was a free introductory session to see if it was right for me.  I’m still a bit on the fence about it.  I enjoyed the listening aspect of it.  It was the first time in a long time in which I could talk, and things became clearer as the life coach listened and spoke back to me in my own words.  Her one piece of advice was to look at the big picture and to focus on what was working for me.  My children are healthy and happy and I am able to be with them in their formative years.  Every small step I take towards being a better business person (web design, shotslings) is a step towards a more financially secure future that I may not see immediately paying off, but the work is not in vain.  This is very difficult for me as I was raised in a culture that is results-focused, not journey-focused.  Focusing on the journey is grueling when the journey involves bundling up the kids to go outside and rake some leaves, and instead of laughter and running around in fun, we have tripping on the concrete sidewalk and taking the rake out of my hands only to fall on it and cry and try to run down the street until I can’t take it anymore and we go back inside and watch cartoons.  But instead of watching cartoons, I am watching the house get destroyed.  I always hear advice to not focus on the mess, it’s just part of having  young kids.  But Cliff doesn’t understand that and it turns him into Grouchy McGrouchy pants… and remember how he just quit smoking?  Yeah.  He does clean the Living room every day, he’s not useless.  Also, mess means more falls, and G help me I cannot take another incident of Amelia’s tooth going through her lip.  Because we’ve had 6 of them.

This is all very depressing.  And I don’t want to be depressed.  I want to enjoy the way I chose to spend my days.  So I think that’s my focus for 2010.  Not starting a business, not making X amount of my own money but such-and-such date.  But just making my house a home, and a happy one at that.

*challenges: toys all over the floor, poop, screaming, fighting, coveting, not-napping, laundry piling up, dishes piling up, falls, poop, bumps, constant requests for nursing, craft supplies, food …