Back in my young high school days, I would go through periods of skipping lunch in favor of the library. I would spend the entire lunch break there, poring over the most bizarre and fascinating non-fiction books I could find. I think it was my way of finding my intelligent self among all the hormones and drama that happens in high school. I spent a lot of time with a book that explained how facial proportions are interpreted by the mind of the observer to give them an idea of the personality of that person. I wondered to myself if people lived up to those expectations and were self-fulfilling prophecies of the face they were given, therefore causing many of the old-wives-tales to be true. For instance, it said that people with a larger lower lip are generous, while people with a larger upper lip are more materialistic. I haven’t really determined that to be either true or false, but I’m still fascinated by the concept.
The subject that has stuck with me the most is the psychological study of cause and effect. In particular, I recall a study where scientists tried to determine whether a positive attitude could be caused by smiling, or whether smiling was simply caused by a positive attitude. They found that people were able to manipulate their own behavior patterns by doing just the physical things that portray the pattern they wished to acquire. And people can even affect the attitude of others by smiling at them, given the “contagious” effect of smiling. Of course I took this very seriously!
Just having this information allowed me to wrap my mind around many challenges I’ve taken on. Whenever I didn’t believe I could be that person; the one who backpacks through Europe, who engages strangers at a party, who is a devoted mother; I just put myself into the situation and believed that the person I needed to be would follow. And she did! When I think of things I’d like to change about myself, I think less about specific actions I will take, and more about the kind of person who does the things I want to do, and how to be that person. I’ve always thought that who you are inside is the person you strive to be. I don’t know if that’s true (it’s in the realm of the unprovable), but it has allowed me to appreciate people in a special way, by embracing the potential they show. Including myself. If I see myself as the person I strive to be, I am closer to becoming that person. Thus, I become a better expression of who I really am inside.
Just the other day, I got the sense from Maddy that she wanted some stern direction. I wanted her to do something or stop doing something and she kept pushing the limit like a button. She wanted to know my strength as an authority; she wanted to really believe that she should do/stop doing it. I had to think quickly, “what does a good stern authority figure do?” I stood up straight, squared my shoulders, looked her in the eye, and projected my voice stronger like I learned back in drama classes. I did not sound angry or frustrated at all, and she immediately got the message that I meant what I said! Now that I know I can do that, it’s a tool I carry in my parental toolkit.
I think about this in terms of children playing, too. When children want to understand the doctor, they dress up as a doctor. They become the doctor. It may be a way to see if they enjoy the role, or just to understand what’s going on when they go see the doctor. Or it’s a way to claim the authority that the doctor exudes. Just like when little girls and boys boss their toys around when they feel bossed around. I see this behavior as largely reactive, but it is a model for continuing to shape yourself when it doesn’t come as naturally in adulthood. We can learn a lot about learning by watching the best learners of all: children!
Currently I use this knowledge to become more physically fit. I wrote before about how I’ve been lifting weights, and now I am three workouts into the “Lift Like a Man; Look Like a Goddess” exercise program. I have a hard time doing what I’m told exactly. Just as I resist being the authority, I also resist following authority. I don’t always follow recipes the way they are written, and I honestly thought I’d use the exercises in the book but not necessarily do them in the exact order and combinations that are presented. But then I remembered, while looking at the model in the book, that if I just go through the motions, the attitude will follow. I was convinced when reading through the book that I should just follow it exactly and see what happens. So that’s what I’m doing now, and it’s so easy. I just bring my log sheet with the workout written on it, and a little pencil to record my progress. There is no guesswork, I’m sweating and delightfully tired out by the end, and I’m pretty sure I’ll get the promised results. It’s daunting going in to a gym, such a public place, and performing exercises I’ve never done before! There a lot of clumsy unflattering moments on display there. But there is no way I will be that fit person I want to be if I don’t physically put myself in those positions.
The other area in which I take an author’s word for it and just do what the book says is with parent-child struggles. It felt awkward at first to speak with Maddy in the echoing way I read examples of in “How to Talk so Children Will Listen; How to Listen so Children Will Talk.” But one day I just went out on a limb and did it, as strange and scripted as it felt, and eventually we had natural conversation coming out of it. And now I am someone who can dispel a situation through conversation, about half the time anyway!
It’s exciting to know that I could take on new roles as the need arises. I think the ultimate goal in life is to experience as much as possible, by taking on as many different roles as possible. Back in 2001, I had a vague idea that I would be a web designer staying at home with her kids… and now I’m here, in the moment of being a web designer at home with her kids! All self-criticism aside (I don’t do a lot of work, we can’t depend on my income yet, I need more practice, etc.), I am THERE. I love that feeling of accomplishment! It makes me realize that I’m about 80% along in my goal of generating income at home, and those things I criticize myself about are just the final steps. I have vague ideas of who I’d like to be in the next 10 years. It’s fascinating to know that it really could happen if I just put myself in the right position!
