While last year I was obsessed with accomplishment, trying desperately to attain some kind of tangible success, this year is more of a self-improvement year, in the hopes that it will fuel a future full of tangible successes.

I’m focusing on my health first and foremost. Exercising has become a regular part of my life. I’ve been thinking about my diet, though I am not one to follow a “diet.” I like real food and I like to cook things from scratch, and I’ve always felt as though that alone was healthy enough for me. As I become more in tune with my body, though, I’m starting to think of things like estrogen levels, protein ratios, and sugar. I’m thinking about stress… what exacerbates stress, what I eat in reaction to stress, what kinds of foods may be stressing my digestive system even though I have no obvious food allergies.

Another aspect of stress is how I react to things in my daily life. I know that there are times that I overreact, and I’m the one increasing my own stress level. So much has been learned about cortisol and adrenaline, and the toll they can take on our bodies, in just the last decade. I’m not going to go into depth on this topic, but here’s a good article that does: http://www.fi.edu/learn/brain/stress.html. I want to find good ways to lower my stress levels, and have been periodically just trying to clear my head, relax, and breathe when I notice my jaw is clenched. As I started to pay attention to my stress levels, I realized how often I am on “high alert.” I have two small children who injure themselves several times a day, so it’s not really a big surprise! So I’m trying to balance for myself when I do need to be on high alert and when I don’t. To take advantage of the times when I really can relax, and to push non-productive worry out of my head during that time. It’s really hard. I worry a LOT. Actually, removing myself from Facebook helps. It’s sad I know, but not really knowing about the details of others’ problems is really helping me to relax.

Speaking of stress… I’m learning to drive now. It’s getting better each time. I’ve made five trips now and my hands aren’t ice cold when I park in front of my house, so that’s a good sign. I’m trying to master driving with my brain and quieting my emotions. If I don’t watch it, my emotions can really take over. I like emotions. I like feeling the world. But there’s such a thing as too much, and just like my mama, I tend towards it. I used to be much better at putting my emotions aside, but with all the hormone fluctuations through two pregnancies and returning menses and breastfeeding, my heart is on my sleeve. I want to get back to my old self… or a new improved version of that self.

Which brings me back to the subject of diet. Since diet affects neurochemistry as well as physical well-being, it’s a natural leap. I’ve known for a long time that when Amelia turns 18 months, I want to do some kind of detox. I looked into Ori Hoffmekler’s “Anti-estrogenic Diet,” and I think it’s what I want. You eat high quality fruits and vegetables all day, keeping caloric intake pretty low. Then in the evening, you eat specific foods for a large dinner. This way, you get all your calories, but the digestive system gets a break. The foods are specific foods that are known to lower estrogen levels or stimulate production of progesterone. Then there is a re-introduction phase designed to target foods that stress your body, so you know what to avoid indefinitely. There are a number of reasons I believe my estrogen levels are elevated. It’s not extreme, right now anyway. We are bombarded with synthetic estrogens on a regular basis, and it’s easy to see how they can accumulate to dangerous levels. I want to do all I can for my health while I’m still young. As in, not 30 yet, haha!

My body deserves a fresh start after two successive pregnancies. Madeline was 18 months when Amelia was conceived. I had wanted to re-establish my health before having another child, but certain things I was unsure of doing because I was into another pregnancy already. The wait to 18 months is due to the amount of breastmilk that makes up the little one’s diet, and I think 18 months is a fair age to mess with the supply a little.

The final and most fun and tangible part of my self-improvement year is working on my creativity. I am trying to work in a little creativity into each day, whether it’s sewing, coloring with the kids, trying a new recipe, or just dancing with the kids in the livingroom. My creativity is also being spent on creating new websites, something I want to become markedly better at this year. I may not profit much this year, but I will set the groundwork for future success.

Ultimately, I want to be a better person, and make all the things I do as a good person become effortless so I can spend my energy on things outside of myself. I once read a theory of the levels of consciousness, as illustrated in the graphic on this page. It really speaks to me. I know you can’t just jump a level because you want to. You have to take care of the lower levels so they don’t dog you later. So that’s essentially what this year is about.

I decided to give up using Facebook for Lent, even though I’m not even slightly religious, and was never Catholic. But the idea of giving up a vice for a specific amount of time… enough to get used to not having it, but not enough that it’s a full commitment to giving it up, is a good exercise. At first, my fingers itched to type that “f” in the address line that instantly pops up “facebook.com,” and then a simple stroke of the “enter” key. The first three days or so, I would type an “f” and then see that blasted word, and then arrow down to… forever21.com! So I got well acquainted with the bizarre fashion trends displayed there.

Now that I’ve ceased thinking in status updates and started spending that time goofing around with my kids instead, I’m feeling like I have more time to do the things I’ve been really wanting to do. Like add some stitches to my big dress alteration project, seam my sweater that’s already been in my life for 2.5 years, and possibly even learn to drive.

Yes! Learn to drive. Because Cliff bought me a car Thursday! It was a $700 steal off of Craigslist, and of course comes with a myriad of little problems, but it runs and it’s automatic and it’s not bad looking. It’s a 1993 Jetta GL III with 131K miles on it. Today Cliff cleaned up the outside while I cleaned up the inside. I think it’s going to cost another $500 before it will be satisfactory. I’m hoping to get my license around the same time it’s done being fixed up! Not putting too much into it, though, since I’m sure I’ll bang it up a little while I’m getting used to driving. I’ll get a picture of it tomorrow when the sun is shining.

Back in my young high school days, I would go through periods of skipping lunch in favor of the library. I would spend the entire lunch break there, poring over the most bizarre and fascinating non-fiction books I could find. I think it was my way of finding my intelligent self among all the hormones and drama that happens in high school. I spent a lot of time with a book that explained how facial proportions are interpreted by the mind of the observer to give them an idea of the personality of that person. I wondered to myself if people lived up to those expectations and were self-fulfilling prophecies of the face they were given, therefore causing many of the old-wives-tales to be true. For instance, it said that people with a larger lower lip are generous, while people with a larger upper lip are more materialistic. I haven’t really determined that to be either true or false, but I’m still fascinated by the concept.

The subject that has stuck with me the most is the psychological study of cause and effect. In particular, I recall a study where scientists tried to determine whether a positive attitude could be caused by smiling, or whether smiling was simply caused by a positive attitude. They found that people were able to manipulate their own behavior patterns by doing just the physical things that portray the pattern they wished to acquire. And people can even affect the attitude of others by smiling at them, given the “contagious” effect of smiling. Of course I took this very seriously!

Just having this information allowed me to wrap my mind around many challenges I’ve taken on. Whenever I didn’t believe I could be that person; the one who backpacks through Europe, who engages strangers at a party, who is a devoted mother; I just put myself into the situation and believed that the person I needed to be would follow. And she did! When I think of things I’d like to change about myself, I think less about specific actions I will take, and more about the kind of person who does the things I want to do, and how to be that person. I’ve always thought that who you are inside is the person you strive to be. I don’t know if that’s true (it’s in the realm of the unprovable), but it has allowed me to appreciate people in a special way, by embracing the potential they show. Including myself. If I see myself as the person I strive to be, I am closer to becoming that person. Thus, I become a better expression of who I really am inside.

Just the other day, I got the sense from Maddy that she wanted some stern direction. I wanted her to do something or stop doing something and she kept pushing the limit like a button. She wanted to know my strength as an authority; she wanted to really believe that she should do/stop doing it. I had to think quickly, “what does a good stern authority figure do?” I stood up straight, squared my shoulders, looked her in the eye, and projected my voice stronger like I learned back in drama classes. I did not sound angry or frustrated at all, and she immediately got the message that I meant what I said! Now that I know I can do that, it’s a tool I carry in my parental toolkit.

I think about this in terms of children playing, too. When children want to understand the doctor, they dress up as a doctor. They become the doctor. It may be a way to see if they enjoy the role, or just to understand what’s going on when they go see the doctor. Or it’s a way to claim the authority that the doctor exudes. Just like when little girls and boys boss their toys around when they feel bossed around. I see this behavior as largely reactive, but it is a model for continuing to shape yourself when it doesn’t come as naturally in adulthood. We can learn a lot about learning by watching the best learners of all: children!

Currently I use this knowledge to become more physically fit. I wrote before about how I’ve been lifting weights, and now I am three workouts into the “Lift Like a Man; Look Like a Goddess” exercise program. I have a hard time doing what I’m told exactly. Just as I resist being the authority, I also resist following authority. I don’t always follow recipes the way they are written, and I honestly thought I’d use the exercises in the book but not necessarily do them in the exact order and combinations that are presented. But then I remembered, while looking at the model in the book, that if I just go through the motions, the attitude will follow. I was convinced when reading through the book that I should just follow it exactly and see what happens. So that’s what I’m doing now, and it’s so easy. I just bring my log sheet with the workout written on it, and a little pencil to record my progress. There is no guesswork, I’m sweating and delightfully tired out by the end, and I’m pretty sure I’ll get the promised results. It’s daunting going in to a gym, such a public place, and performing exercises I’ve never done before! There a lot of clumsy unflattering moments on display there. But there is no way I will be that fit person I want to be if I don’t physically put myself in those positions.

The other area in which I take an author’s word for it and just do what the book says is with parent-child struggles. It felt awkward at first to speak with Maddy in the echoing way I read examples of in “How to Talk so Children Will Listen; How to Listen so Children Will Talk.” But one day I just went out on a limb and did it, as strange and scripted as it felt, and eventually we had natural conversation coming out of it. And now I am someone who can dispel a situation through conversation, about half the time anyway!

It’s exciting to know that I could take on new roles as the need arises. I think the ultimate goal in life is to experience as much as possible, by taking on as many different roles as possible. Back in 2001, I had a vague idea that I would be a web designer staying at home with her kids… and now I’m here, in the moment of being a web designer at home with her kids! All self-criticism aside (I don’t do a lot of work, we can’t depend on my income yet, I need more practice, etc.), I am THERE. I love that feeling of accomplishment! It makes me realize that I’m about 80% along in my goal of generating income at home, and those things I criticize myself about are just the final steps. I have vague ideas of who I’d like to be in the next 10 years. It’s fascinating to know that it really could happen if I just put myself in the right position!