I’m that Mom who hears the words, “you’ve got your hands full,” about 16 times a day.  I’m that Mom with two grocery bags, a purse, a diaper bag, and the toys my daughters insisted on bringing but refuse to carry, all balanced in her arms while a near-two year old is perched on her back and a four year old is struggling to keep up.  I do this because I don’t like limitations, because I simply must get out of the house but still haven’t gotten my driver’s license.  I do this because I’m able-bodied and because I can.  I do this because my four year old looks at me with her big blue eyes and says, “Mommy, can we go to the store to get snow letters?” and she melts my heart and I can’t say no this time.  (For some reason fruit leathers are called snow letters around here.)  I do this because the one thing that keeps the near-two year old from attacking the four year old, and vice versa, is going out and seeing the world.  To me, even a not-fun experience is an experience, and better than no experience.  I do this with my hair combed and my makeup done and my clothes flattering, because I have to.

I’m that Mom who finally arrives home, sweaty and body aching,  and tosses all the baggage aside to collapse on the couch to exclaim, “I’m never doing that again!” even though I know it’s not true.  And then I tell the kids, “entertain yourselves, Mama’s tired!” as they clamber on my lap and the near-two year old tugs at my shirt to nurse and the four year old grills me on what we got at the store and what she can eat right now and can she go outside to dig in the dirt?  ”Eat whatever you find,” I tell her; if she eats something I was planning on using, I’ll figure my way around it, I always do.  ”Go ahead, dig in the yard!  Just stay in the yard, please.”  And I marvel at the way she immerses herself in dirt and bugs for an hour at a time.  I look forward to when she’ll ring the doorbell repeatedly until I answer it, and exclaim that she is “Butterfly,” the new neighbor, and can she come in?

I’m that Mom who will go out of her way to find a good smell to counteract that bad smell we smelled when passing a dumpster.  Because it’s really important.  I’m that Mom who exclaims, “I’m impressed with your egg-peeling skills!” when she finds bits of egg shell crackling beneath her feet, “and can you help me put these in a bowl… when you’re done with your egg, of course?”  Because I know children need to do things in a certain order, and they’re good people, and they’re sensitive, and it’s all the little things that matter the most.

I’m that Mom who had a mishmash of Mom examples… a birth mother who wasn’t often there, but when she was, showed unconditional love and made it clear she’s only human.  A stepmother who scared the crap out of me, and haunted my dreams and my subconscious for years after I left home (before I was even done with high school).  A dear sister who made it her responsibility to protect me, to show me how to protect myself, and who was always there with her big heart and strong advice whether I sought it or not.  I’m that mom with a big library of books on gentle unconditional parenting, because the idea that I could be scary or absent scares me to death, and I want to be the best mom ever  by using a combination of leaving them the hell alone and always being there for them, but I know my conditioning, emotions, and incessant worrying can get in the way of that.

I’m that mom with an enormous amount of social privilege–white, young, slender, healthy, physically attractive, three-digit IQ, mentally stable (for the most part!), but I wish privilege were given to the unique and authentic, because those are the qualities I like the most.  Personally, I don’t feel very unique but I seek to be authentic in everything I do.

I’m that mom who got a degree in Web Design before she was sure she wanted kids, because she knew that if she were having kids, she’d want to stay home with them.  I was pregnant with my first as I finished my degree, and was appalled at the looks I got from the guidance counselor when I told him I wasn’t searching for work right away because I was pregnant.  As if I was just throwing away all opportunity on children.  My children who give me more joy than anything ever has in my life, certainly more than my career does, as much as it suits me.

I’m that mom who can’t stop kissing her beautiful daughters’ soft skin whenever she gets the chance.  I’m never short on affection for them.  They are so beautiful, and complex, and fabulous.  Even when they are completely melting down, I am proud of how deep their passions are.  Despite my sad childhood and not having enough hands or time in the day, and never having enough money to do all the things I want to do, I think daily that I must have been amazing in my past life to deserve what I have now.

the spread

Other tastings we’ve done in the past are various cheeses with fruit  (grapes, figs) and nuts, and wine for the adults; oyster shooters; “greek plate;” and chocolate and strawberries.   It’s a nice way to experience a variety of flavors and feel really classy while not racking up a big tab or worrying about our rambunctious children.  I love being able to include the girls and the presentation makes them more willing to try new things.

Another thing that feels like Autumn is things coming to an end.  My laptop came to an end last month, and now I have a new one!  Which is cool, but I didn’t really want to have to spend that money right now.  And then my email client got corrupted today, adding my dwindling faith in Linux, something I’ve been happily using for the past 6 years.  And to top it off, my favorite makeup company, Aromaleigh, is steadily discontinuing many of my favorite products.  I’ve been a customer for about 5 years, and I see that ending very soon.  This is a company that I would happily represent, Mary Kay style, if the opportunity were there and I am not a salesperson!  And of course this comes at a time when I can’t afford to stock up on the discontinued products, even at sweet discounted prices.

I feel like I’m back in that stuck place of last fall.  I still can’t drive, I still have children climbing on me, can’t sew, can barely keep up with web work.  I’m a little better at staying on top of dishes and laundry, and you know what they say about that…

We went to Oaks Park and it was windy and threatening to rain through the whole picnic part. I decided to just go for it and do it outside and it was a semi-bust. I had planned on having a craft time and had put a lot of work into the prep for it, only to scrap the idea when we were all shivering and desperately clinging to our paper plates and party bags in all the wind. After the windy cake and present time, we went to see if we wanted to ride the rides or rollerskate, and it was nice enough by then to ride the rides. Maddy and Amelia, as well as the other party guests, had a wonderful time and really enjoyed themselves. I particularly liked taking Eleanor on the tugboat ride with Amelia while Danielle stayed with Charlotte on a nearby bench. It was her first time there and she got a big thrill out of riding! Maddy and Talula spent some time bonding; they were holding hands and turning in circles together, adorable! We finished our day with a train ride during which Amelia amused us with her monster growling noises.

Maddy with Auntie Kendra (from Kendra's facebook page)

Maddy got a lot of cute gifts! Grey brought her a little purse full of hairclips and a headband with a blue flower on it and blue feathers, very flapper-esque. Talula brought a little wooden theater set with a cast of royal characters. Eleanor brought a basket of pretty animal puppets. The big gift of the day was her new pink laptop! She didn’t react very much when she got it, much to Cliff’s disappointment, but I think she was just overwhelmed and taking it all in stride. She was also looking forward to her cake with purple flowers and Tinkerbell on it. I would have gotten more pictures but in the wind and cold, it was all I could do to keep a hold of tired cranky Amelia. Luckily Amelia’s second wind came in time for the rides.

hairclips from Grey, back of Grey's new boyish haircut

the theatre playset from Talula

opening presents from Grandma

the new laptop!

there's the look of excitement! And Tania jonesing in the background. (from Kendra's facebook page)

Amelia was very excited about going on the rides and kept trying to get me to put her down so she could run up to them, but you know, gates, waiting in lines, tickets, danger… all those things 18 month olds don’t understand were standing in her way. We went on a ride that looks like a hot air balloon and gently goes up and down, first. She seemed bored. I thought she might enjoy riding in a car with Maddy, so we tried that. She was thrilled until she had to wait a whole two minutes for it to start going… too long for an 18 month old. By the time it got going, the distressed feeling turned into a scared feeling, but I could tell she also was a little interested in the movement. I felt like a terrible mom with my kid crying in the ride and I couldn’t get her, but Maddy was with her, and she did insist after all. When the ride was over, she happily jumped out, but it wasn’t long before she wanted to ride again. We went on the tugboat ride, one of few rides (the carousel was down for repairs) that adults and small children can go on together comfortably. The fifth time on that one, she was ready to just hold on without my assistance, and that was when we were with Eleanor. Eleanor seemed thrilled to be riding next to Amelia, and they did a lot of smiling and giggling together! Eleanor’s little sister, Charlotte, isn’t quite to the play together age yet.

Lu chauffeurs. (from Candice's facebook page)

Maddy rides the Scrambler with Daddy and Aunty Kendra (from Kendra's facebook page)

Maddy and Lu on the train together! (from Candice's facebook page)

Maddy and Lu dancing (from Candice's facebook page)

Detox/Diet: I only lasted 1 week… maybe a week and a half. I’ve continued to favor foods on the “good list,” and lost 5 lbs gradually since I began the diet. To strictly do the diet requires a better budget and more frequent shopping trips than I can afford right now, since it’s so heavily based on fresh vegetables. And a lot more patience! I’m sure I’ll come back to it someday.

Since adopting the ideas from the diet, I’ve found myself loving food a little less, and this concerns me. Would I rather eat whatever I want and keep my belly roll? I don’t know. It’s a difficult question to answer right now.

Amelia is bigger, bolder, more dramatic, and more talkative all the time. Maddy is bigger, and transitioning into her more independent self. Sometimes she tells me she wishes she was two again. When I ask her what her favorite part about being two was, she says it was when she ate Easter candy out of the plastic Easter bunny my mom brought her! She is pretty obsessed with candy and I limit candy by letting her get one thing when we visit “the German store,” and when it’s gone it’s gone (we go there every 2 weeks or so). Still she talks about candy daily and it makes me a little insane! I try to talk about other foods she likes, maybe take the focus off of it a little bit, and it works only sometimes. I just don’t want a ton of candy in my house, and I don’t like the way she acts with the candy. She gets so obsessed and unreasonable!

Then we have Amelia’s tooth problems. She has Early Childhood Caries and needs to be limited in her sugar and have her teeth swiped with toothpaste throughout the day and brushed twice a day. If Madeline has candy, she wants candy, which only adds to my worries.

The face of food in our house has been changing a lot. I only buy whole grain pasta now, to increase the amount of protein in our diets, since we are building our muscles. We eat a ton of eggs. I’m trying to use less meat. More vegetables. Less starch. It’s crazy, I was in Trader Joes today and there were so many things I used to buy, like frozen tacquitos, that I just completely passed by today without a thought. Those are just not part of my diet anymore. I like a lot of Asian inspired foods and have been visiting asian markets for soba noodles and seaweed products. Noodle soup is a great light lunch.

In other news, Maddy’s birthday is right around the corner! We are going to Oaks Park to have a picnic and ride the rides. We’re also doing a craft that I’m really looking forward to. I’m going to be prepping all week for it, but I have all the supplies. I’ll be sure to get pictures and maybe even do a little tutorial. I can’t wait to give Maddy her amazing birthday present, too!

But I digress. Because what I’m really typing to say is that I HATE DIETING. OMG. I made cupcakes today because we had this opened box of cake mix and this leftover chocolate frosting in the fridge that were taunting me, and I couldn’t have one. Which is OK I guess because I’m not a fan of boxed cake mix anyway… but I bet that frosting was amazing. I’m drinking Bengal spice tea for dessert. I do get to eat fish every night, though… not complaining about that. Anyway this thing lasts three weeks and I can’t see going much more than a week at this point, but I’d hate to waste the effort. Those cupcakes will be gone by tomorrow. Roasted beets with fresh grated ginger is delicious. And I don’t feel like I’m starving all day anymore. At least I still get to drink my beloved protein shake. One day at a time!

I’m focusing on my health first and foremost. Exercising has become a regular part of my life. I’ve been thinking about my diet, though I am not one to follow a “diet.” I like real food and I like to cook things from scratch, and I’ve always felt as though that alone was healthy enough for me. As I become more in tune with my body, though, I’m starting to think of things like estrogen levels, protein ratios, and sugar. I’m thinking about stress… what exacerbates stress, what I eat in reaction to stress, what kinds of foods may be stressing my digestive system even though I have no obvious food allergies.

Another aspect of stress is how I react to things in my daily life. I know that there are times that I overreact, and I’m the one increasing my own stress level. So much has been learned about cortisol and adrenaline, and the toll they can take on our bodies, in just the last decade. I’m not going to go into depth on this topic, but here’s a good article that does: http://www.fi.edu/learn/brain/stress.html. I want to find good ways to lower my stress levels, and have been periodically just trying to clear my head, relax, and breathe when I notice my jaw is clenched. As I started to pay attention to my stress levels, I realized how often I am on “high alert.” I have two small children who injure themselves several times a day, so it’s not really a big surprise! So I’m trying to balance for myself when I do need to be on high alert and when I don’t. To take advantage of the times when I really can relax, and to push non-productive worry out of my head during that time. It’s really hard. I worry a LOT. Actually, removing myself from Facebook helps. It’s sad I know, but not really knowing about the details of others’ problems is really helping me to relax.

Speaking of stress… I’m learning to drive now. It’s getting better each time. I’ve made five trips now and my hands aren’t ice cold when I park in front of my house, so that’s a good sign. I’m trying to master driving with my brain and quieting my emotions. If I don’t watch it, my emotions can really take over. I like emotions. I like feeling the world. But there’s such a thing as too much, and just like my mama, I tend towards it. I used to be much better at putting my emotions aside, but with all the hormone fluctuations through two pregnancies and returning menses and breastfeeding, my heart is on my sleeve. I want to get back to my old self… or a new improved version of that self.

Which brings me back to the subject of diet. Since diet affects neurochemistry as well as physical well-being, it’s a natural leap. I’ve known for a long time that when Amelia turns 18 months, I want to do some kind of detox. I looked into Ori Hoffmekler’s “Anti-estrogenic Diet,” and I think it’s what I want. You eat high quality fruits and vegetables all day, keeping caloric intake pretty low. Then in the evening, you eat specific foods for a large dinner. This way, you get all your calories, but the digestive system gets a break. The foods are specific foods that are known to lower estrogen levels or stimulate production of progesterone. Then there is a re-introduction phase designed to target foods that stress your body, so you know what to avoid indefinitely. There are a number of reasons I believe my estrogen levels are elevated. It’s not extreme, right now anyway. We are bombarded with synthetic estrogens on a regular basis, and it’s easy to see how they can accumulate to dangerous levels. I want to do all I can for my health while I’m still young. As in, not 30 yet, haha!

My body deserves a fresh start after two successive pregnancies. Madeline was 18 months when Amelia was conceived. I had wanted to re-establish my health before having another child, but certain things I was unsure of doing because I was into another pregnancy already. The wait to 18 months is due to the amount of breastmilk that makes up the little one’s diet, and I think 18 months is a fair age to mess with the supply a little.

The final and most fun and tangible part of my self-improvement year is working on my creativity. I am trying to work in a little creativity into each day, whether it’s sewing, coloring with the kids, trying a new recipe, or just dancing with the kids in the livingroom. My creativity is also being spent on creating new websites, something I want to become markedly better at this year. I may not profit much this year, but I will set the groundwork for future success.

Ultimately, I want to be a better person, and make all the things I do as a good person become effortless so I can spend my energy on things outside of myself. I once read a theory of the levels of consciousness, as illustrated in the graphic on this page. It really speaks to me. I know you can’t just jump a level because you want to. You have to take care of the lower levels so they don’t dog you later. So that’s essentially what this year is about.

Now that I’ve ceased thinking in status updates and started spending that time goofing around with my kids instead, I’m feeling like I have more time to do the things I’ve been really wanting to do. Like add some stitches to my big dress alteration project, seam my sweater that’s already been in my life for 2.5 years, and possibly even learn to drive.

Yes! Learn to drive. Because Cliff bought me a car Thursday! It was a $700 steal off of Craigslist, and of course comes with a myriad of little problems, but it runs and it’s automatic and it’s not bad looking. It’s a 1993 Jetta GL III with 131K miles on it. Today Cliff cleaned up the outside while I cleaned up the inside. I think it’s going to cost another $500 before it will be satisfactory. I’m hoping to get my license around the same time it’s done being fixed up! Not putting too much into it, though, since I’m sure I’ll bang it up a little while I’m getting used to driving. I’ll get a picture of it tomorrow when the sun is shining.

The subject that has stuck with me the most is the psychological study of cause and effect. In particular, I recall a study where scientists tried to determine whether a positive attitude could be caused by smiling, or whether smiling was simply caused by a positive attitude. They found that people were able to manipulate their own behavior patterns by doing just the physical things that portray the pattern they wished to acquire. And people can even affect the attitude of others by smiling at them, given the “contagious” effect of smiling. Of course I took this very seriously!

Just having this information allowed me to wrap my mind around many challenges I’ve taken on. Whenever I didn’t believe I could be that person; the one who backpacks through Europe, who engages strangers at a party, who is a devoted mother; I just put myself into the situation and believed that the person I needed to be would follow. And she did! When I think of things I’d like to change about myself, I think less about specific actions I will take, and more about the kind of person who does the things I want to do, and how to be that person. I’ve always thought that who you are inside is the person you strive to be. I don’t know if that’s true (it’s in the realm of the unprovable), but it has allowed me to appreciate people in a special way, by embracing the potential they show. Including myself. If I see myself as the person I strive to be, I am closer to becoming that person. Thus, I become a better expression of who I really am inside.

Just the other day, I got the sense from Maddy that she wanted some stern direction. I wanted her to do something or stop doing something and she kept pushing the limit like a button. She wanted to know my strength as an authority; she wanted to really believe that she should do/stop doing it. I had to think quickly, “what does a good stern authority figure do?” I stood up straight, squared my shoulders, looked her in the eye, and projected my voice stronger like I learned back in drama classes. I did not sound angry or frustrated at all, and she immediately got the message that I meant what I said! Now that I know I can do that, it’s a tool I carry in my parental toolkit.

I think about this in terms of children playing, too. When children want to understand the doctor, they dress up as a doctor. They become the doctor. It may be a way to see if they enjoy the role, or just to understand what’s going on when they go see the doctor. Or it’s a way to claim the authority that the doctor exudes. Just like when little girls and boys boss their toys around when they feel bossed around. I see this behavior as largely reactive, but it is a model for continuing to shape yourself when it doesn’t come as naturally in adulthood. We can learn a lot about learning by watching the best learners of all: children!

Currently I use this knowledge to become more physically fit. I wrote before about how I’ve been lifting weights, and now I am three workouts into the “Lift Like a Man; Look Like a Goddess” exercise program. I have a hard time doing what I’m told exactly. Just as I resist being the authority, I also resist following authority. I don’t always follow recipes the way they are written, and I honestly thought I’d use the exercises in the book but not necessarily do them in the exact order and combinations that are presented. But then I remembered, while looking at the model in the book, that if I just go through the motions, the attitude will follow. I was convinced when reading through the book that I should just follow it exactly and see what happens. So that’s what I’m doing now, and it’s so easy. I just bring my log sheet with the workout written on it, and a little pencil to record my progress. There is no guesswork, I’m sweating and delightfully tired out by the end, and I’m pretty sure I’ll get the promised results. It’s daunting going in to a gym, such a public place, and performing exercises I’ve never done before! There a lot of clumsy unflattering moments on display there. But there is no way I will be that fit person I want to be if I don’t physically put myself in those positions.

The other area in which I take an author’s word for it and just do what the book says is with parent-child struggles. It felt awkward at first to speak with Maddy in the echoing way I read examples of in “How to Talk so Children Will Listen; How to Listen so Children Will Talk.” But one day I just went out on a limb and did it, as strange and scripted as it felt, and eventually we had natural conversation coming out of it. And now I am someone who can dispel a situation through conversation, about half the time anyway!

It’s exciting to know that I could take on new roles as the need arises. I think the ultimate goal in life is to experience as much as possible, by taking on as many different roles as possible. Back in 2001, I had a vague idea that I would be a web designer staying at home with her kids… and now I’m here, in the moment of being a web designer at home with her kids! All self-criticism aside (I don’t do a lot of work, we can’t depend on my income yet, I need more practice, etc.), I am THERE. I love that feeling of accomplishment! It makes me realize that I’m about 80% along in my goal of generating income at home, and those things I criticize myself about are just the final steps. I have vague ideas of who I’d like to be in the next 10 years. It’s fascinating to know that it really could happen if I just put myself in the right position!