I’m focusing on my health first and foremost. Exercising has become a regular part of my life. I’ve been thinking about my diet, though I am not one to follow a “diet.” I like real food and I like to cook things from scratch, and I’ve always felt as though that alone was healthy enough for me. As I become more in tune with my body, though, I’m starting to think of things like estrogen levels, protein ratios, and sugar. I’m thinking about stress… what exacerbates stress, what I eat in reaction to stress, what kinds of foods may be stressing my digestive system even though I have no obvious food allergies.

Another aspect of stress is how I react to things in my daily life. I know that there are times that I overreact, and I’m the one increasing my own stress level. So much has been learned about cortisol and adrenaline, and the toll they can take on our bodies, in just the last decade. I’m not going to go into depth on this topic, but here’s a good article that does: http://www.fi.edu/learn/brain/stress.html. I want to find good ways to lower my stress levels, and have been periodically just trying to clear my head, relax, and breathe when I notice my jaw is clenched. As I started to pay attention to my stress levels, I realized how often I am on “high alert.” I have two small children who injure themselves several times a day, so it’s not really a big surprise! So I’m trying to balance for myself when I do need to be on high alert and when I don’t. To take advantage of the times when I really can relax, and to push non-productive worry out of my head during that time. It’s really hard. I worry a LOT. Actually, removing myself from Facebook helps. It’s sad I know, but not really knowing about the details of others’ problems is really helping me to relax.

Speaking of stress… I’m learning to drive now. It’s getting better each time. I’ve made five trips now and my hands aren’t ice cold when I park in front of my house, so that’s a good sign. I’m trying to master driving with my brain and quieting my emotions. If I don’t watch it, my emotions can really take over. I like emotions. I like feeling the world. But there’s such a thing as too much, and just like my mama, I tend towards it. I used to be much better at putting my emotions aside, but with all the hormone fluctuations through two pregnancies and returning menses and breastfeeding, my heart is on my sleeve. I want to get back to my old self… or a new improved version of that self.

Which brings me back to the subject of diet. Since diet affects neurochemistry as well as physical well-being, it’s a natural leap. I’ve known for a long time that when Amelia turns 18 months, I want to do some kind of detox. I looked into Ori Hoffmekler’s “Anti-estrogenic Diet,” and I think it’s what I want. You eat high quality fruits and vegetables all day, keeping caloric intake pretty low. Then in the evening, you eat specific foods for a large dinner. This way, you get all your calories, but the digestive system gets a break. The foods are specific foods that are known to lower estrogen levels or stimulate production of progesterone. Then there is a re-introduction phase designed to target foods that stress your body, so you know what to avoid indefinitely. There are a number of reasons I believe my estrogen levels are elevated. It’s not extreme, right now anyway. We are bombarded with synthetic estrogens on a regular basis, and it’s easy to see how they can accumulate to dangerous levels. I want to do all I can for my health while I’m still young. As in, not 30 yet, haha!

My body deserves a fresh start after two successive pregnancies. Madeline was 18 months when Amelia was conceived. I had wanted to re-establish my health before having another child, but certain things I was unsure of doing because I was into another pregnancy already. The wait to 18 months is due to the amount of breastmilk that makes up the little one’s diet, and I think 18 months is a fair age to mess with the supply a little.

The final and most fun and tangible part of my self-improvement year is working on my creativity. I am trying to work in a little creativity into each day, whether it’s sewing, coloring with the kids, trying a new recipe, or just dancing with the kids in the livingroom. My creativity is also being spent on creating new websites, something I want to become markedly better at this year. I may not profit much this year, but I will set the groundwork for future success.

Ultimately, I want to be a better person, and make all the things I do as a good person become effortless so I can spend my energy on things outside of myself. I once read a theory of the levels of consciousness, as illustrated in the graphic on this page. It really speaks to me. I know you can’t just jump a level because you want to. You have to take care of the lower levels so they don’t dog you later. So that’s essentially what this year is about.

Now that I’ve ceased thinking in status updates and started spending that time goofing around with my kids instead, I’m feeling like I have more time to do the things I’ve been really wanting to do. Like add some stitches to my big dress alteration project, seam my sweater that’s already been in my life for 2.5 years, and possibly even learn to drive.

Yes! Learn to drive. Because Cliff bought me a car Thursday! It was a $700 steal off of Craigslist, and of course comes with a myriad of little problems, but it runs and it’s automatic and it’s not bad looking. It’s a 1993 Jetta GL III with 131K miles on it. Today Cliff cleaned up the outside while I cleaned up the inside. I think it’s going to cost another $500 before it will be satisfactory. I’m hoping to get my license around the same time it’s done being fixed up! Not putting too much into it, though, since I’m sure I’ll bang it up a little while I’m getting used to driving. I’ll get a picture of it tomorrow when the sun is shining.

The subject that has stuck with me the most is the psychological study of cause and effect. In particular, I recall a study where scientists tried to determine whether a positive attitude could be caused by smiling, or whether smiling was simply caused by a positive attitude. They found that people were able to manipulate their own behavior patterns by doing just the physical things that portray the pattern they wished to acquire. And people can even affect the attitude of others by smiling at them, given the “contagious” effect of smiling. Of course I took this very seriously!

Just having this information allowed me to wrap my mind around many challenges I’ve taken on. Whenever I didn’t believe I could be that person; the one who backpacks through Europe, who engages strangers at a party, who is a devoted mother; I just put myself into the situation and believed that the person I needed to be would follow. And she did! When I think of things I’d like to change about myself, I think less about specific actions I will take, and more about the kind of person who does the things I want to do, and how to be that person. I’ve always thought that who you are inside is the person you strive to be. I don’t know if that’s true (it’s in the realm of the unprovable), but it has allowed me to appreciate people in a special way, by embracing the potential they show. Including myself. If I see myself as the person I strive to be, I am closer to becoming that person. Thus, I become a better expression of who I really am inside.

Just the other day, I got the sense from Maddy that she wanted some stern direction. I wanted her to do something or stop doing something and she kept pushing the limit like a button. She wanted to know my strength as an authority; she wanted to really believe that she should do/stop doing it. I had to think quickly, “what does a good stern authority figure do?” I stood up straight, squared my shoulders, looked her in the eye, and projected my voice stronger like I learned back in drama classes. I did not sound angry or frustrated at all, and she immediately got the message that I meant what I said! Now that I know I can do that, it’s a tool I carry in my parental toolkit.

I think about this in terms of children playing, too. When children want to understand the doctor, they dress up as a doctor. They become the doctor. It may be a way to see if they enjoy the role, or just to understand what’s going on when they go see the doctor. Or it’s a way to claim the authority that the doctor exudes. Just like when little girls and boys boss their toys around when they feel bossed around. I see this behavior as largely reactive, but it is a model for continuing to shape yourself when it doesn’t come as naturally in adulthood. We can learn a lot about learning by watching the best learners of all: children!

Currently I use this knowledge to become more physically fit. I wrote before about how I’ve been lifting weights, and now I am three workouts into the “Lift Like a Man; Look Like a Goddess” exercise program. I have a hard time doing what I’m told exactly. Just as I resist being the authority, I also resist following authority. I don’t always follow recipes the way they are written, and I honestly thought I’d use the exercises in the book but not necessarily do them in the exact order and combinations that are presented. But then I remembered, while looking at the model in the book, that if I just go through the motions, the attitude will follow. I was convinced when reading through the book that I should just follow it exactly and see what happens. So that’s what I’m doing now, and it’s so easy. I just bring my log sheet with the workout written on it, and a little pencil to record my progress. There is no guesswork, I’m sweating and delightfully tired out by the end, and I’m pretty sure I’ll get the promised results. It’s daunting going in to a gym, such a public place, and performing exercises I’ve never done before! There a lot of clumsy unflattering moments on display there. But there is no way I will be that fit person I want to be if I don’t physically put myself in those positions.

The other area in which I take an author’s word for it and just do what the book says is with parent-child struggles. It felt awkward at first to speak with Maddy in the echoing way I read examples of in “How to Talk so Children Will Listen; How to Listen so Children Will Talk.” But one day I just went out on a limb and did it, as strange and scripted as it felt, and eventually we had natural conversation coming out of it. And now I am someone who can dispel a situation through conversation, about half the time anyway!

It’s exciting to know that I could take on new roles as the need arises. I think the ultimate goal in life is to experience as much as possible, by taking on as many different roles as possible. Back in 2001, I had a vague idea that I would be a web designer staying at home with her kids… and now I’m here, in the moment of being a web designer at home with her kids! All self-criticism aside (I don’t do a lot of work, we can’t depend on my income yet, I need more practice, etc.), I am THERE. I love that feeling of accomplishment! It makes me realize that I’m about 80% along in my goal of generating income at home, and those things I criticize myself about are just the final steps. I have vague ideas of who I’d like to be in the next 10 years. It’s fascinating to know that it really could happen if I just put myself in the right position!

Luckily, it hasn’t really been scary. Amelia never once got lethargic or even lost her sense of humor. Farts were still hilarious, and clothing changes were still giggling struggles. Those eyes never lost their sparkle, and her smile still made its regular appearance, if not more.

One thing that fascinates me about fevers is whatever they do to the brain to make it work double time once the fever passes. Amelia’s been more communicative than ever. She now asks for a bath even if she doesn’t see or hear it, by rubbing her chest and saying “bat!”. She points at things she wants to look at and says “that.” And this morning after I washed my face she gently patted it and smiled as if to say, “looking good, Mommy!” She says “bye bye!” when Cliff leaves for work, and “Daddy!” when he comes home, or if she sees a man who remotely resembles him. Today she insisted on wearing her tights and raincoat, and that’s it.

Her sweet nature is punctuated by her determination to stick to her own agenda. When she gets a hold of something we don’t want her to have, like a remote or scissors, just a month ago we were able to hold a hand out and say “may I have that?” and she would hand it over. Now she takes a moment to think about it… eying the object in her hand, looking back at me, making the decision over whether she will give it to me or not. I can switch tactics… “can you give that to Maddy?” “Can you give that to Daddy?” And usually she’ll be willing to give it to someone. Either that, or she’ll run and shriek and make a game of it!

She a sensitive little girl, too. Just the words “no” “don’t” or “stop” make her little face twist up in a sob. Even, as Cliff discovered, if they aren’t connected to anything that is actually happening. I think she’s starting to catch on to that joke, though.

She knows that “sister” is synonymous with “Maddy.” She adores animals. She points out the eyes on every animal and person in our books, saying “eyes!” In fact, pointing out facial features and body parts is one of her favorite things to do, second to reading books and investigating the bathroom sink.

Amelia is 16 months old, as of Monday, and she amazes me every day!

• I can squat without hurting my knees!
• I haven’t been getting knots at the base of my neck/shoulders like I used to! (I think it’s the upper-middle back exercises taking the pressure off my neck)
• As of this morning, I lost 1/2″ off my waist! I didn’t expect that at all.
• I don’t mind lifting heavy laundry bags as much!

Now that I work out at the very least every third day, I’m hooked! I can’t wait to go tonight, though I’m going to be taking it easy with a little swim and then stretch in the jacuzzi, since I was pretty hard on myself the other day and my abs are still sore.

Even just now I was interrupted in the middle of typing this post by the blood-curdling shrieks of Amelia, who wanted Maddy’s new camera, and Maddy, who was asking me repeatedly if I would get her camera working so that she could take a picture of Amelia.  It takes batteries. and needs a screwdriver to open it.  The very thought of tracking down both a screwdriver and batteries, and inserting the batteries while two children try to acquire the batteries and screwdriver for themselves… just makes me want to take a nap.

But removing myself from the situation isn’t the answer.  I fantasize about being able to afford childcare so I can be free to clean the house and not be followed by a tornado of entropy.  Maybe actually finish folding the mountain of laundry that is always changing in size but never quite disappears.  Mop the kitchen floor so I don’t have to lock the children out for fear of them licking some unknown substance that accumulated beneath the cupboards.  Finally get all the crap we don’t need out of here so I can better organize and keep certain things out of reach and other things within reach.

I know, and I tell myself, and I ignore myself, that if I just pick one small thing to accomplish each day, that with my 365 days a year home, I could get a whole lot done over time.  But that’s boring.  And about 200 of those days would involve cleaning off the dining room table.

I recently went to see a life coach, and it was a free introductory session to see if it was right for me.  I’m still a bit on the fence about it.  I enjoyed the listening aspect of it.  It was the first time in a long time in which I could talk, and things became clearer as the life coach listened and spoke back to me in my own words.  Her one piece of advice was to look at the big picture and to focus on what was working for me.  My children are healthy and happy and I am able to be with them in their formative years.  Every small step I take towards being a better business person (web design, shotslings) is a step towards a more financially secure future that I may not see immediately paying off, but the work is not in vain.  This is very difficult for me as I was raised in a culture that is results-focused, not journey-focused.  Focusing on the journey is grueling when the journey involves bundling up the kids to go outside and rake some leaves, and instead of laughter and running around in fun, we have tripping on the concrete sidewalk and taking the rake out of my hands only to fall on it and cry and try to run down the street until I can’t take it anymore and we go back inside and watch cartoons.  But instead of watching cartoons, I am watching the house get destroyed.  I always hear advice to not focus on the mess, it’s just part of having  young kids.  But Cliff doesn’t understand that and it turns him into Grouchy McGrouchy pants… and remember how he just quit smoking?  Yeah.  He does clean the Living room every day, he’s not useless.  Also, mess means more falls, and G help me I cannot take another incident of Amelia’s tooth going through her lip.  Because we’ve had 6 of them.

This is all very depressing.  And I don’t want to be depressed.  I want to enjoy the way I chose to spend my days.  So I think that’s my focus for 2010.  Not starting a business, not making X amount of my own money but such-and-such date.  But just making my house a home, and a happy one at that.

*challenges: toys all over the floor, poop, screaming, fighting, coveting, not-napping, laundry piling up, dishes piling up, falls, poop, bumps, constant requests for nursing, craft supplies, food …

“Mehm!” said by Amelia, very seriously, lips pursed, expecting to nurse.

“My name is Scruffy. I said Go. A. Way!” Maddy, imitating one of her favorite movie characters.

“Little Master.” a nickname for Amelia, from Maddy.

“Dah-d’n!” Amelia, saying either thank you, Daddy, or Maddy.

“Momomom!” Amelia, saying Mom, or wanting something, or being upset.

“Bahboo,” “diggeln,” “bahdiggeln” Amelia, nonsense words used when reading.

“brrrf” Amelia, noting a dog… I think she’s saying woof.

“Hi!” Amelia, waving, usually at a kitty, but also at Cliff or at David, who picks Cliff up in the morning for work.

“You said your first ‘L’!” Maddy says this all the time when I use words with the “L” sound in them… this was after I discovered that she could indeed say the “L” sound and was excited about it. I guess she showed me; getting excited over something so minor!

“Hi, I’m Maddy. I’m three.” This is how Maddy introduces herself to any other kids she encounters, complete with three fingers held up.

“When Daddy gets mad, and when Mommy gets mad, and when Amelia gets mad, and when I get mad, we throw things on the floor!” Maddy. No comment.

“You know what I think? I think about toys.” Maddy, offering her opinion while Cliff was picking out paint.

A pretty typical conversation:

Maddy:”I’ve been chosen for the winning chasing prize!”

Me:”Oh, that is very exciting!  I never heard of that prize, is it a new one?”

Maddy:”Yeah and I’m the first one!”

Me:”Congratulations, Maddy!”

Maddy:”It’s the Sleeping Beauty prize.”

Me:”Are you the  Sleeping Beauty?”

Maddy:”No!  The Sleeping Beauty woke up!”

Me:”How did she wake up?”

Maddy:”Because she still had her dress on.”

Me:”Did she wake up to put her pajamas on?”

Maddy:”Yeah!  And then she got her first winning prize!”

You can do it!

Lately we’ve been going to 24 hour fitness to get fit! This was part of Cliff quitting smoking… he used the money (and admittedly a little more) that he saved by not smoking to buy us gym memberships. Then of course we had to get Kid’s Club memberships so we could leave the kids in the playroom several times a week. Madeline LOVES it… Amelia tolerates it. I hope she grows to enjoy the plethora of new toys available to her there!

Cliff has a schedule for the muscle groups he works on. I thought I’d just be swimming, so that’s what I did the first couple of times. Then I went with my sister, Kendra, and we did the elliptical machine, which I really liked! She showed me some killer abdominal exercises too. I went around eying the weight machines, but honestly I was a little intimidated. There are handy little illustrations on each machine, showing you how to position yourself and what muscles you are working, but I had more questions than that. Should I focus on my abdominals since they were stretched out by two pregnancies? What other areas should I work? Am I neglecting some muscle groups? How much weight should I lift? Should I develop a schedule, like Cliff? I followed him to the weight room one day and asked him to show me around. I could tell he was even a little nervous, since he mostly just knows what works for himself, and he didn’t want me to get intimidated any more than I was. His casual guidance was just what I needed. I overdid it a little bit that day while I tried to get a feel for the exercises, and had to take a few days off, but I was excited to get back in there with my increased confidence.

I still don’t have a muscle group schedule, but I do about 10-15 minutes in the weight room and then 10 minutes pushing myself hard on the elliptical. I never want to spend more than 30 minutes working out because poor Amelia can only take so much right now! I look in there when she can’t see me and it’s so heart-wrenching. She’s not crying, but she looks sad and just stares. When she does see me, she bursts into tears. I think I’ll put off the hour long classes until she starts to enjoy the Kid’s Club, or schedule it with Cliff to stay home with her. I’m trying to get to the point where I go three times a week doing weight room/elliptical, and then one day of swimming and stretching in the jacuzzi.

Why did I make the switch to the weight room?

• weight training builds strength and even flexibility when certain exercises are done
• weight training increases bone density, something all women, specifically those who have had babies and nursed as long as I have, need
• I’ve heard weight training “gets results” better than anything else.

I thought about taking a “before” picture, but honestly, I look pretty good already! If I took a before picture 9 months ago, the after would certainly be more impressive. With my youth and previous core fitness, childbearing has taken a minimal toll on my body. The workouts I get from carrying children around, pushing the double stroller up the hill, and nursing have steadily brought me back down to my normal size. My biggest problem is figuring out when I can buy clothes, as the jeans I bought when Amelia was 8 months old fall off me now. I just want jeans that fit, that’s all, whatever size they are! Like all women, I’m sure, I have areas I’d like to improve, but I would be more interested in seeing before and after bone density numbers.

I have The New Rules of Lifting for Women: Lift Like a Man, Look Like a Goddess on hold at the library, but if I don’t get it soon, I may just have to buy it. I think it’ll get me on a schedule and help me track my progress, as well as introduce me to some new exercises. I read the forward that is provided on Amazon, and it is humorous as well as very informative as to why women should lift heavy weights.

It’s thrilling to me that I’m trying something new that I never even thought I would try before I was there, in the gym, with everything available to me and my babies taken care of. For once, there’s nothing standing in my way!

When I was a child, the parent’s (Dad and stepmother) room was OFF LIMITS. The door was always closed, and one had to knock. I only knocked when I absolutely had to, like if I was vomiting and had a fever, and even then I would stand there for several minutes working up the courage to knock. Once the door opened, one could see the long trek between the door and the bed, and the air was as thick as knives in that space. The idea of crawling into my parent’s bed for comfort was akin to searching a dumpster for creme brulee.

Yet somehow it never occurred to me to exclude my children from my personal space. From the moment they were born, they tucked their vulnerable bodies up against my side. When they are sick or teething, I’m the one who insists they sleep next to me where I can hold them tenderly all night long while they slumber.

When I think about physical closeness when I was a child, I remember hearing, and echoing, the insistence that I didn’t like to be hugged. It was not true. It’s not true for anyone. One day in the second grade I broke down in tears and the substitute teacher, who had four children of her own, took me on her lap and held me close. I breathed in her sweet smell, felt her soft warm body embrace me, and felt more secure than I remembered ever feeling. I wanted to sit there all day, and I knew she wanted to hold me all day, but she had a job to do and it was just a fleeting moment. Soon after, our regular teacher came back from maternity leave and my hope for another hug like that one was shattered. Still, just thinking about that hug got me through some tough times.

My mother’s space was open to me only on visitation days, which were few and far between. I was so trained by my daily life that I kept my distance even when the barrier was not there. How it must have broken her heart to see her little daughter too afraid to openly reach out for comfort.

Like little Rosie, I had a caring older sibling who was there for me, but the house rules were strong and I didn’t get nearly the amount of time I needed to have with her. She remains my strongest link in the family of my childhood. She is the one my heart lurches for… my parents are kind of a toss-up.

My daughters get all the hugs they need and then some. I hope they never feel the insecurity I felt, and still feel, from that lack of closeness with a care provider. I want to be the one they can come to when their lives get complicated, and then eventually they will form bonds with other women that they can depend on like they depended on me. My space will always be their space. Feeling the mother-child bond from the other side has been healing for me, but it also makes the discrepancies with my own child-mother bond all the more glaring. Try as I might, that chance to bond is gone.

It was this post that inspired me to explore these ideas this morning. I hadn’t thought of it this way, but I share that inability to form strong and long-lasting friendship bonds. I don’t know what it is… I’m an excellent secret keeper, I am understanding and non-judgemental, I try to smile often. Sometimes I think that if I had a car and could deliver meals to a sick friend at a moment’s notice, I could be a better friend. If I had the time to knit a baby sweater for a pregnant woman, I’d be a better friend. I don’t know what it is, and secretly hope it will all get better when the kids are older and I have more personal time to devote to the problem of acquiring the kind of friend I could call at 3AM for some kind words when I can’t sleep. Meanwhile, I’ve got things to do, like make breakfast.